11:07 a.m. - 2009-03-12
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Today he tried to tell me that he doesnt have any mental or emotional problems. He is normal. My sense of reality is off. Meanwhile he threw this huge tantrum practically in tears because a fax wouldnt go through and called to dump on me how he is too busy and blame me for it.
I prayed and prayed today for God to intervene in this situation. I dont know what that would mean...but I need help.
I hate that I have to keep it secret, what he has done to me. I hate that he makes me say things that arent true to agree with him to keep peace. I hate that he is always trying to force me into his reality.
I know that this isnt healthy or normal. I know that he would rather leave me than have his false reality questioned.
I know that if it keeps going like this I am going to have to leave him. I just want to hold out until things are better for me, until I am in a better place emotionally, physically, financially. I want to be sure that leaving is the right thing.
I fantasize about it...about what it would be like once the hurting is better. About being on my own, alone...able to make my own choices freely. Able to take care of myself and not need him. Able to tell the truth boldly and never have to keep my hurts secret if I dont choose to. To feel safe again.
But I would miss the good things. We do have some good times. And I would miss feeling taken care of sometimes. And I would miss the potential for love that we once had.
I know I would never marry again. Probably never date again. I would live my life out alone. Surround myself with friends and church and work. I could lead a full life without a man there. I could be happy.
But first I have to get happy inside myself, get healthy inside myself.
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